me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
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i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.