You Might Also Like
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Nigella has gone too far this time.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Note to self: always read the final line
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly