Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
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wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Knock Knock
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew