Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
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High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Meow
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.