Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
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just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17