The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
You Might Also Like
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better