Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
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9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.