Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
You Might Also Like
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move