My back has gone out more than I have this year.
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Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.