Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
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American Horror Story: Public Restroom
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
live long and prosper!
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate