Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
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I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.