Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Erm…
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”