NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
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[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.