[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
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everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind