I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
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it鈥檚 time for sharks to evolve again. it鈥檚 been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Milk Cube
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone鈥檚 EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I鈥檓 done telling this story.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Good man! 馃懄馃徎馃槨馃挭馃憤
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they鈥檝e been talking to me for too long.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target鈥檚 still open, right?
You ever look someone in the eyes and it鈥檚 just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.