Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
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*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.