Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
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WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.