My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
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I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
My blood type is b hungry.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.