I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
You Might Also Like
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.