Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
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Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Leonardo DiCaprisun
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”