My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
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interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Good advice.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Every work meeting this week
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”