Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.