My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
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Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
😩😩😩
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation