“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
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congratulations to them
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca