Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
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It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.