[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
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I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?