TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
You Might Also Like
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
This January has 47 Mondays
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes