just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
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It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Haha! 😂
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Sorry not sorry.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Happy birthday to all the women
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS