I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
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Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
you’re so productive for your wage