INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
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Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.