Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them