Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
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I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”