Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
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We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I put the h in mysterious.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*