Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
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cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…