[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
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the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
felt that
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT