Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
You Might Also Like
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.