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911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Only a mother’s love …
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
thank god the sign was there