If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
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Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
…u ok Nintendo?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I camp so other people don’t have to.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
In banana years, I am bread.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.