A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
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[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Wait a minute
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Cndnsd Mlk
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.