[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
You Might Also Like
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.