Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
You Might Also Like
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax