My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
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Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss