Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
wut hotdog?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
🙄😏😂🤣
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.