I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.