There are 2 kinds of twitter.
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Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.