Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.