*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
what’s the point then??
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.