My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
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[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Have kids, they said