….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
an octopus is just a wet spider
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.