a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
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Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Always.
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I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
when dads have a rap battle
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done